A very happy un-birthday to you!

Oh, how time flies. I miss my teeny Madellynn, so small she fit in her father's palm. So small, she barely fit her Preemie clothes. Now, she's a year old and rotten as hell! She has a big-kid's, forward facing car seat. She drinks from a sippy cup. She'll even wave to you and tell you "Bye". She's amazingly beautiful, and smart and as a whip. I know that time will fly even faster as the days pass, but I try to carefully store each day completely in my mind, so as I am able to re-count each and every day we spend together.....Although I know that's completely impossible. She is my wonderland; I am Alice. I wish this would never end.

Her Birthday was wonderful! Her Daddy & I worked our tootsie's off trying to pull this off successfully, which we did. The whole family was there, and a few..well, 2 friends came. Most of the "friends" we invited chose not to come...which was totally understandable, seeing as how it came a freakin' blizzard an hour before the party started. Hell, there was even a wreck just outside the tunnel on the Tennessee side that caught up Daniel's Mother, Father, and our Daughter. We barely made it through, apparently. I thought I'd never get the cupcakes done in time...but I did :) She made out like a bandit! She got so many things, way too many to list. The best of presents include: her caterpillar rocker, baby doll stroller, sock monkey, and new car seat. I can't wait to see what's in store for Christmas!!

Now that everythings over with as far as her birthday is concerned, and we don't have anything to do as far as Christmas goes, Daniel & I have time to relax and dedicate to ourselves. It's about damn time! Since starting the clinic, I have changed so much as a person. I am a complete stranger as compared to the person I was a year ago - which is a great thing. But I'm having to re-define myself, recreate my identity, and that's proving to be somewhat difficult. I take it as it comes. As far as my relationship goes, however, that's simple (thank goodness!). Although our sex life is really nonexistent, our emotional relationship is thriving. We have never been so close in the years we have been together. I feel like we are falling in love all over again - and well, we sort of are.

This new person I am, it's different. I am happy, easy-going, care-free. I am responsible, timely, and practical. I have finally realized that when you are happy with your life, truly happy, you suddenly become happier & more at ease in your own skin. I no longer see myself as the fat, ugly girl I thought I was 4 months ago. I now see myself as a woman - a young, but growing...ever-changing, maturing, pretty yet simplistic, beautiful woman. I am not fat, no hideous. I am blossoming, coming into myself. I have plans to make some modifications on the outside to help me feel 'sexier'. For instance, I plan to get my ears dermal-punched soon...and also, a chest piece by Josh Woods. I have finally decided on the imagery for the piece, so all I have left to do is save some money, make the appointment, and show up! That is me...the person I am is not the person you are, my skin is not the same as yours. And this, I plan to make everyone aware of. Those really are not my intentions with getting a tattoo as bold as a chest piece can be. My intentions are somewhat like make-up is for others. And no one has to like it...that is the last thing I am worried about. All that matters is that it is what I want, it is who I am, and it represents what I have become in the past year: someone completely different than before.

I love my life. I unbelievably love my life. When we threw Madellynn's birthday party this weekend, I saw a few people I hadn't seen in a while. People I hadn't seen since I became sober. So it was an eye-opener to realize, right then and there while speaking to them, just how different of a person I am from them. They are people who will probably never take the steps I have taken to have a true quality of life, not just for myself - but for my partner & daughter, also. I realized that unlike them, I care about myself, my life, and the people around me. I care about who I am & what I become. I care about my success in life. I care about my daughter's success in life. They also have a child, and have spoke of having another....and although it is only my opinion, I feel as if two people such as them should not bring another child into this world until they take the steps to cahnge their lives such as I have. They, well specifically the Mother, she refuses to accept that she is an addict...let alone her husband, too. I think it's because she sees being an addict as something bad, when it isn't. It is simply a disease, a disability that must be treated. I think, though, that in my progress with my addiction I have learned that someone that does not want to get better will refuse to accept their addiction because they don't want to get better. Well, duh Chele...that only makes sense.

So, as I was saying....I was talking to this woman & we simply made small-talk, ya know...I felt so different, so out-of-place when talking to her....I guess because of how different I am now. I used to think we were so much alike, so very similar, back when I was in the prime of my addiction. Now, it's not that I feel as if I am superior to this woman - because in no way am I superior to her, or anyone else for that matter. It's just that I felt very.....different from her. That's the only word I can think of to use to describe it right now. I felt like I had moved on from the point in my life in which she is still at....I felt like I needed to run, as fast & as far away as I possibly could from her for fear of being sucked back in to that world. The world of addiction is a dark, ugly place. It pulls you in so quickly, and getting out is hard to do. Which brings me to my next thought...

It's so disappointing to look back on my 'addicted life' and see the things I have done & the choices I have made. It really sucks to realize that all of the relationships I created during that time were simply relationships that .... helped me out, gave me an advantage. I made no real, true friendships during that time. I made drug relationships, hookups merely, and now that I am sober...well, my phone never rings, needless to say. This woman that I was speaking of previously, I still speak to her on occasion. I distanced myself from her & her family quite a while back, however, due to a mishap they had...so it's not like either of us think we are 'best friends'. It does not bother me whatsoever that the people that I used to claim to be my friends, I don't even speak to now. I think it's an unsaid understanding between drug addicts that when you make your friendship, it's only for the connection & not for the true friendship. The one true friendship that I have is with my parter, Daniel. He is my best friend, and that is something that is undoubted. He has been there for me like no one ever before, stood by me through everything, and we seem to have this other relationship that is pure friendship at the same time. It's nice. He is the only friend I really, truly need. Everyone one seems to be just out for themselves, addict or not.

Basically what I'm getting at with this is this: Before I got sober, I used to think my "sober life" would be boring as hell, crappy if you will, and would make me turn back to addiction. Now that I took the steps to become sober, I realize that this is not true. I absolutely adore the routine life of everyday-people, be it boring or not! I love the "boring-ness" of my sober life! I love waking up everyday (something I have not enjoyed in years), knowing exactly what's going to go on in my day, not having to do the guesswork as to how I am going to do this or that...or endure being pissed-off for hours because I am doing absolutely nothing at all that day. I love to do nothing!!! I love to sit and watch the football game on Sunday with Daniel, without having to get a pill or a joint at the least, before we sit down to watch the game. I love to be able to do the dishes without worrying if I have a pill or not!

I love my life as a lover, mother, and house-wife........and I love doing it all SOBER!!!